I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Randomize
