I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
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