i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
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