it was like eating out sand paper
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Randomize
