I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
