Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
