I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
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