Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
foreskin is a definite game changer
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
