FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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