totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
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