Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
