After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
Can I color on your dick again?
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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