tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize
