Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
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