You can't special order awesome
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Randomize
