Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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