im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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