i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Randomize
