i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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