put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Randomize
