On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
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