He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize
