Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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