Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
He's on the porch naked. Help.
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