Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Randomize
