Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize
