i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Randomize
