my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Randomize
