at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
