God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Randomize
