Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
Randomize
