If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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