Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Randomize
