I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
