he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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