First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
