I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Randomize
