Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
