remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
MIDGETS
????
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
