ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Randomize
