a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
