News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
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