the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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