I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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