hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
