I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
