I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
he just fucked me for my cheese.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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