i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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