zippers are such a cool invention
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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