I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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