This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
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