I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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