Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
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